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Down By The Sea Shore

Down by the Seashore

An Illustration of An Untreated Mental Illness

Min. Constance M. Martin. All Rights Reserved

As kids we played on the beach, hopping from one foot to the other because the sand was so hot. The sand never seemed too hot for adults.  But for us it was hot.  We would run as fast as we could hoping we’d soon reach the end of the hot scorching sand and finally reach the part of the sand where the tide had come in and ebbed out.  The sand went from being light, dry and hot to dark, wet and cool.  The water had left its’ markings giving it a foamy lace edge along the shoreline.  We’d dig our toes in the wet cool sand and sigh with relief.  We were told to stay close to the shoreline where it was safe.  Don’t go too far out in the water we were told. As kids we couldn’t conceptualize the danger of something that held so much fun for us.  

 

Oftentimes, we would sit at the waters edge and let the waves come up and splash on us.  It seemed to be a game.  As the tides came in stronger, it would sometimes splash on our legs as if it were playing a game of Tag.  Digging the palms of your hands in further in the wet sand and our heels in deeper we waited for the next wave.  With much excitement we tried to anticipate how hard and fast the next wave would be.  Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it…  When the next one came it was bigger and harder and faster, it seemed to lift you a bit and carry you further into the water.  The water seemed to separate at our feet and envelope us in it’s arms taking us yet a little further out.  But wait, let’s look back to the shore.  All the people seemed to be a little bit further away.  That’s okay because even though they were further away they could still see us and we could still see them and if we had gone too far they would let us know.  Now we must stand because the water is getting much stronger and not playing such a gentle game of Tag.  

 

Then there is always someone in the group who is daring and suggest we try something new.  The suggestion was we turn our backs to the in coming wave and let it knock us over and ride it to the shore.  You see that was exciting because it added a little adventure and a little danger to our game with the waves making it so much more fun than just sitting at the water’s edge.  We’re taken out further and the waves are now bigger, harder and stronger.  

 

We try walking back to the shore but our feet barely touch bottom and the undercurrent is too strong.  I was not able to swim back to shore because I wasn’t that strong of swimmer.  In my struggle to get back to shore, I panicked and I wasn’t prepared for the next wave.  I wasn’t able to catch the wave and ride it in.  Instead it caught me and took me under.  I got caught in a rip current that took me further under and held me under.  It seems the first thing that happens is your resolve is gone.  All the bravado that you mustered up to take you further than you should have gone had dissipated.  The next to go is your hearing becomes muffled, your nasal passage becomes filled with salty water and your eyes are burning with the salty, murky water. I’m trying to hold my breath because I know if I breathe I will take in this same salty and murky water, which would mean the end.  My arms and legs are going in all directions because I’m fighting and flailing.  At some point my arms began to hurt and they felt as though they would become separated from my body. I could no longer hear the muffled sounds of the people but I could now only hear my own heartbeat and rushing of the water.  I wondered where all the people had gone especially the ones I was playing with.  Did they not see me any longer?  I began to take in water and my chest had started to hurt.  I felt as though I was crying but how could you tell.  It would only be just one more drop of water in the vastness of the ocean.  I could no longer see.  But one thing I always knew was to call on the Name of Jesus and that is exactly what I did.  With Jesus the possibilities are endless.  

 

When I did became aware of me and my surroundings I was on my knees and crawling to the waters edge coughing and wiping my face.  And then I saw these little white swim shoes, little legs, a black skirted swimsuit on a little lady that I called my grandmother holding my towel, flip-flops and our beach bag.  She never said a word about my distance from the shore or why I was coughing, struggling and crawling.  If she knew anything she didn’t say anything.  That was just the way it was between us. We always had that unspoken and confidential awareness and truth.  She was my stalwart in my storms.  Isn’t God good?

 

Some of this is a metaphorical and some is literal.  This event did happen.  But the roller coaster ride of emotions is a truth that Bipolar person deals with almost daily, especially if not treated.

 

Once during a very bad episode someone asked me to tell him what was going on or what I was feeling at that time and what came to mind was how I felt under the water and having no control of my situation or environment; the loss of control is very frightening. But this seemed to be the only way I could describe the desperateness and at that time the helplessness I was feeling.  Even that was an inadequate description.  The magnitude of the inability to do anything about what you are going through is awful, painful and mentally exhausting.  It is significant to express the enormity of the lack of treatment for bipolar and other mental illnesses.

 

I would be remiss in not saying that misdiagnosis with the  wrong medication is just as harmful  if not even more so than no treatment at all.

 

Sometimes patients are reluctant in seeking treatment because of the associated stigma and non-support of family, friends and church members.  Family and friends tend to distance themselves from members of their family because of the reflection on them or family; as in they don’t want to be blamed for anything that is wrong.  Or if you seek outside help people outside of the inner family circle will know.  I know you’ve heard that what goes on in this house stays in this house.  Which again shines a supposedly negative light on the dynamics and dysfunctions of the family.  In a couples’ relationship there is the blame factor.  If  your relationship is not working there is the blame of your questionable sanity.  

 

Then in the faith-based circle (i.e. Christianity) you’re deemed not having enough faith to be delivered from your demons.  I’ve even been told that it is wrong and not scriptural to teach acceptance of your condition and seeking treatment.  I’m fully aware that God didn’t make sickness, disease and/or death and these things come through Satan.   But God gave man the mind to seek knowledge and from these knowledge seeking people we get doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health workers, etc.  Just because things are no longer

perfect since the Fall of Man in the Garden Eden do we not seek to fix it? Is it only right to seek treatment for cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc.?  Why? Is it because physical illnesses and diseases are more tangible and mental illnesses are intangible?

 

 

 

Min. Constance M. Martin

www.writetheeallthewords.com

cmmartin@writetheeallthewords.com

4/22/2017©

 

 



Just Remember

 

Just Remember
 
IGBATTA.LegreeCopyright2017.All Rights Reserved

 

When it’s 3 in the morning and you can’t sleep that you are…………

When it’s 3 in the afternoon and you can’t get out of the bed that you are…………

When you can’t think clearly because of the voices in your head that you are….

When the voices in your head are getting louder that you are……..

When once muffled voices just keep getting bolder that you are……

When every now and again murmurs in your thoughts turn into constant whispers that you are………..

When someone you don’t know just keeps calling that you are………

When that man on TV just will not shut up that you are……….

When the lady on the bus will not stop staring that you are………

When no one else can see them that you are…………..

When you get back home from your month long trip, spent all of your money and your wife is gone that you are………….

When you try to tell people that you can take a trip, write a book, paint a masterpiece, have a few parties, live it up and enjoy as much sex as you can all in one day and they don’t get it that you are……….

When you can’t remember if you took your medications this morning that you are……….

When you ignore your crisis plan and the warnings that you are………

When your therapist will not call you back that you are……

When you have been depressed all of your life that you are………

When sometimes you are happy and sometimes you are sad that you are…..

When you are not sure if you want to wake up in the morning that you are……

When you have a lot of anger and suicidal thoughts that you are……….

When it feels better to cut yourself then to feel what you feel that you are…..

When you stop taking your medications and start using drugs that you are….

When it hurts too much to stop smoking crack that you are………

When sex and smiles from a stranger feel better than dealing with the pain that you are…….

When you can’t forget about the man that kept coming in your bedroom when you were 10, again and again that you are…….

When they say you are the problem and everything is your fault that you are……

When you ask to speak to the President but you have speak to the police instead that you are……..

When you are the only one who knows that someone is reading everyone’s thoughts that you are……….

When you have told them for the 20

th

time that the food is poison that you are……

When your thoughts are racing and you can’t stop pacing that you are………

 

When 911 is called and you don’t know why that you are………

When the Crisis team is at your door again for the third time this month that you are………….

When your neighbors are watching that you are……….

When they take all of your clothes and your shoes at the hospital that you are…….

When you have to quit your job again because they keep following you that you are…

When you realize it’s been a week since you have been to work that you are……

When it feels like the team on the Psychiatric ward are asking too many questions that you are……

When you have to tell your story again and again that you are……..

When the person in the next bed is screaming while you are trying to sleep that you are………..

When the bed on the ward is hard that you are………

When it’s time to take your medications…two pills in the morning, afternoon and evening that you are………

When the medications make you drowsy that you are……..

When you feel like you’re slowing down that you are……….

When no one is listening to you when you talk that you are………

When you get back home and realize that you have been gone a month that you are…….

When the team meeting does not go as planned that you are………

When no one comes to see you or to pick you up that you are……….

When you wonder if they are better off without you that you are………

 

After

When your appointment was at 2:00 PM and it’s now three and you’re still waiting that you are……..

When you can’t read the intake packet that you are……..

When you don’t have any money to get to your appointment that you are……..

When you hear your therapist talking about you in the hallway that you are…….

When the agency does not have a token that you are………….

When everyone tries to act like nothing happened that you are……….

When everyone treats you like a child that you are………………..

 

Living Day To Day

When it’s safer to sleep outside that you are…….

When your medications make you gain weight that you are……..

When your medications don’t work that you are……….

When you’re loved one steals your money or charges you $100.00 to go to the store that you are………

When you don’t have money for your co-pay that you are……

When the shame and embarrassment make you feel worthless that you are……..

When they think you are lazy but the truth is you really don’t feel like doing anything that you are……..

When you would stop talking so fast if you could that you are…….

When your cousin moves in your apartment without your permission and brings along three other friends who all sit around and smoke crack that you are…..

When you are down to your last cigarettes that you are………

When you are afraid to go back to work that you are………..

When you can’t say no because you are afraid of what might happen that you are…….

When your thoughts are all mixed up that you are…….

When everyone else speaks for you and no one listens to you because you have been diagnosed with a mental illness that you are………

When they talk about you with you sitting there because they don’t think you hear them that you are……

 

For Loved Ones

When you talk to them and they don’t talk to you that you are……

When you tell them to snap out of it and they don’t that you are……

When you feel like you have done all that you can and things don’t change that you are…….

When you keep wondering what you did that you are ………

When no matter how hard you try he won’t stop talking that you are……….

When it’s late at night and he won’t stop laughing that you are……..

When you have been up all night that you are……

When you need to sleep but are afraid of what might happen that you are……

When she prefers to do nothing that you are……..

When she cries all of the time that you are…….

When he throws out all of the food because it’s contaminated that you are…..

When he won’t eat because he feels that he does not need to that you are…..

When you get to the hospital and find out that there are no beds that you are……

When your other child wonders why you can’t play with him that you are……

When you have to take off work again to go look for him that you are……

When it seems like you are the only one who cares that you are…….

When she is being discharged after only being gone 24 hours that you are…..

When the Psychiatrist does not believe that your loved one needs help that you are…….

When the handwritten note from your loved one is all you have that you are……

When you are tired and don’t know what else to do that you are………………………

THAT YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN. THAT YOU WILL MAKE MISTKAES. THAT YOU WILL NOT BE PERFECT .THAT YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS. THAT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THAT PEOPLE LOVE YOU. THAT LIFE CAN GET BETTER. THAT WE NEED YOU…….

That Recovery is Possible

A process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential.

 

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY …..THAT YOU ARE AN OVERCOMER



You Are An Overcomer

 

 

I am an overcomer and I won’t be defeated.  I am moving past the rain and looking back on all my pain.

Yes, I am an overcomer and my days ahead are bright. Yes I am an overcomer because I am walking in the light.

I am an overcomer, confident and strong. I am an overcomer and I am going to keep moving on.

Negative thoughts try to stop me but they can’t block me. Hurts and disappointments may come but I won’t be defeated

I am an overcomer, I won’t give up now. I am an overcomer and I am going to keep moving on.

I am an overcomer and I am learning from the past. I am an overcomer, talented and strong.

I am an overcomer gifted and valuable. I am an overcomer and I am going to keep moving on.

I am an overcomer and I won’t’ be defeated. No matter how I feel I won’t give up now.

I won’t be mistreated, I am talented and strong. I am an overcomer and I am going to keep moving on.

Negative words try to haunt me, mistakes try to limit me but I am an overcomer and I won’t give up now.

I may have lost some people and things along the way but each day I live is another day.

My addiction tries to get me down and somedays I feel like giving up.  But I am overcomer and I won’t be defeated.

Sometimes smiling though my tears and laughing through my pain, I am overcomer and I won’t give up now.

You may not understand but don’t count me out I am here for a wonderful purpose so I am going to

Keep moving on.

Yes I am an overcomer, confident and strong. I am an overcomer so I am going to keep moving on.

 

 

IGBATTA.LegreeCopyright2017.All Rights Reserved




 
 

 

 

 

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